by Robert J. Kurz, M.A. Counseling

Resolving conflict in any relationship can be a very difficult process. It is particularly difficult in a
marriage relationship. This is primarily due to the fact that husbands and wives are acutely aware of
each other’s faults and shortcomings. We seem to expect the most from those we love the most. Any
attempt at making an apology that is less than sincere will quickly be dismissed. In fact, an insincere
apology will deepen the conflict.

There are no marriages that are conflict free. We all occasionally offend in word or deed, regardless of
how much we love one another. We all appear impatient or insensitive at times, despite our good
intentions. Understanding conflict resolution is a vital part of every marriage relationship. Those who fail
to resolve their differences in a timely manner will eventually damage both spiritual and emotional unity.
Most marital conflict is born out a spirit of selfishness, and is demonstrated through harsh or critical
words.

The Bible gives clear instruction regarding how we are to speak to one another, and how we are to
pursue forgiveness and reconciliation when offenses have occurred. Consider the following passage of
scripture: “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification,
that it may impart grace to the hearers...Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be
put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
even as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:29-32. If it is true that we will all offend each other at
times with our words, then it is imperative that we know how to make apologies and grant forgiveness.

There are 4 practical steps that will help us make an effective apology. These steps will help us resolve
conflict, restore unity and find true forgiveness. Consider the words listed below that need to be spoken
when offenses have occurred between you and your spouse:

• “I’m sorry”
• “I was wrong”
• “Please forgive me”
• “What can I do to make things right?”

Of course, these words will only be effective if they truly come from the heart. Make sure that there is no
sarcasm implied in your apology. If we genuinely admit that we were wrong, without adding an excuse
for our misbehavior, or attempting to cast some of the blame on our spouse, our apology will almost
always be accepted. By sincerely seeking forgiveness, and showing a willingness to make restitution,
we will have done our part. It will not be difficult for our spouse to grant complete forgiveness when such
an apology has been made.